DRM:

I don't get it, either.

Mark \\.

__________________
SAM # 0011

"But mommy, I don't like my little brother."

"Shut up and eat what I give you."

I too am enjoying these enormously.

Because I have a six-year-old...


How do you kill a blue elephant?

Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?

No, not with a pink elephant gun. You hold its trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with the blue elephant gun.

How many elephants can fit in a volkswagon?

Four. Two in the front seat and two in the back seat.

How can you tell that an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

Tracks in the butter.

How can you tell that two elephants have been in your refrigerator?

Two sets of tracks in the butter.

How can you tell that three elephants are in your refrigerator?

You can't quite shut the door.

How can you tell that four elephants are in your refrigerator?

The volkswagon is parked outside.

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A. It's cute but how do you breath through that thing?

What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?

A transistor.



Some little known facts about Ghandi. He had extremely calloused feet from all the walking he did across India. Because of his poor diet he was in very poor health and had delicate bones and the effects on his GI tract gave him very bad breath.

Yes, he was a super calloused, fragile mystic, cursed with halitosis.


A man is walking along the beach one day when he comes upon a beached porpoise. He goes up to porpoise hoping to find some way to help, when the sea-going mammal speaks to him, "Will you help me?" it asks. The man is taken aback, but he's a good soul and says, "Sure, what can I do? Push you back in the water?"

The porpoise says, "No, I need a special diet. You see, I'm not an ordinary porpoise," the man grins at this. "I am immortal." This is not what the man expects. Talking, sure. But immortal?

The man is flabbergasted but sticks to the topic, "Okay, you're immortal, but how can I help you."

"I and the others like me need seagulls."

"Seagulls?"

"Yes, we eat seagulls. But only young ones. We need you to catch some young seagulls and bring them to us."

The man scratches his head, thinks about it a moment. Then agrees.

So he goes off and with great difficulty finds and catches young seagulls. On his way back to the beach, lying right in the middle of the path is a huge lion. The man stops, starts to back up, but the seagulls were a lot of trouble to catch and he really wants to complete this strange mission. He notices that the lion seems to be asleep.

So he quietly steps over the lion. Immediately federal agents leap out and arrest the man.

The charge is transporting immature gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises.

To the tune of "Memories"

Leprosy, I'm only half the man I used to be....



What do you call a leper in a hot tub?

Stu.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

It is a hot smelly day. There are flies everywhere. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They each order a pint. The barkeep serves their drinks.

The Englishman finds a fly in his pint. He looks at it. Makes a face of disappointment and pushes the glass away from him, finished.

The Irishman finds a fly in his pint. He looks at it, grimaces, reaches in, plucks it out, tosses it away and continues to drink.

The Scotsman finds a fly in his pint. His face fills with outrage. He grabs the fly by its wings, bends his face down to it, shakes it over his glass and shouts, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

Here's a joke I tell at the courthouse after being called for jury duty during those interminable waits in the hallway while lawyers are merrily chatting away while I and 200 other people are rediculously inconvenienced so they can get 12 people they agree upon for a trial where the jerk will either get off or a slap on the wrist anyway, generally wasting EVERYONE's time and money...

What's the difference between a lawyer and cow $#!t??

Well, cow$#!t is good for growing tomatoes, while lawyers aren't good for anything...

I get a lot of hard looks from lawyers and I grin from ear to ear... I just LOVE dishing it back to those jerks!!!

OL JR

__________________
The X-87B Cruise Basselope-- THE Ultimate Weapon in the arsenal of Homeland Security and only $52 million per round!

Here's a good one a friend told me when I was in the police academy....

Warning: ain't exactly rated G...

A rich older corporate vice president and his VERY sophisticated and urbane wife are reassigned to a company division in Arkansas. The wife is rather stricken, having never lived outside NY city, but reluctanly agrees to the move. They get moved to Arkansas and she's still miserable. So, the old guy decides to cheer her up, they'll take a ride in the country in their Rolls Royce... She doesn't really want to go but finally gives in and agrees.

As their driving through the country, the old fellow is commenting on how beautiful the Ozarks are and the birds singing, and how they NEVER got to see such things in NY, and now it's practically in their backyard! The old woman starts to cheer up, while looking out the window, but suddenly screams... There sitting on a stump in a field is a teenage boy, screwing a chicken! The old lady goes into hysterics, having never seen anything so base and vulgar before. The old man speeds off and tries to calm her down. As they round a bend, she screams again and goes into hysterics again... sitting nearby on a log is a middle aged hillbilly, pants down, having sex with a chicken! The man races off down the road and turns a few corners, patiently calming down his wife when suddenly she screams again... right outside her window on the narrow dirt road, sitting on a split rail fence, is an old graybearded man, overhauls down around his ankles, you guessed it, screwing a chicken! The old lady screams and passes out cold.

The old businessman gets pretty angry now... his plan has TOTALLY backfired and he wants somebody to pay for it. So, he drives on down the road and into the sleepy little town in the woods, past the little courthouse, and pulls up in front of a tiny ramshackle office marked "Sheriff". He gets out and cautiously approaches an old fellow in uniform, sitting on the porch, whistling and slowly whittling a stick with a pocketknife. He tells his story to the sheriff, and finally in exasperation finishes with a lambast of the town, the county, and the entire state of Arkansas, where you can't even drive down a country road without seeing FIRST NOT ONE, NOT TWO, BUT THREE SEPERATE INCIDENTS OF GUYS SCREWING A CHICKEN!!!

The old sheriff puts down his whittling, looks thoughtful a minute, and then asks the old man, "Well, what do you want me to do about it?? WE ONLY HAVE ONE CHICKEN!!!!"

ba dum-pum...OL JR

__________________
The X-87B Cruise Basselope-- THE Ultimate Weapon in the arsenal of Homeland Security and only $52 million per round!

Hey, when did the
Ye Olde Joke Forum
become the
Ye Olde Riddle Forum?